C’s Blog 5
I had intended to talk about the trip to my hometown in this blog, but, as usual, my Higher Power has plans of His own. I had light-headedness and chest pain on Sunday, and ended up in the ER. It turns out I have an irregular heartbeat and need a procedure, which was originally scheduled for Wednesday but Tuesday night I got scared and tried to fly to the hometown early to be with family. Not the wisest decision, and my Higher Power showed me this by making it impossible to trade in my tickets. So now I need a procedure on my heart and still must get ready for the trip next week.
E of course was very understanding of my “temporary insanity” of wanting to go back home, and was supportive. I suppose what triggered wanting to go to the hometown early (besides the scare about my heart) was E’s intense pain at my last time looking at pictures on my phone, and that it hurt her so deeply and I kept on taking on her pain, as well as my own shame and pain about having the slip, so that I was nearly suicidal. I understand now that E just wanted reassurance, and to know that there is nothing in my hometown to tempt me with my addiction, which I am happy to give.
E’s Blog 5
This past week tested C and I’s relationship with something that made our trials with sex addiction move to the back burner (at least for a couple of days). C had a serious medical scare that had us having to support one another while not knowing what we were dealing with. From the time we decided to go to the ER to the time that C was discharged (approximately 28 hours later) we remained calm and did the things we needed to do. I asked questions, talked to nurses and doctors. C did what was asked of him, listened to medical personnel, rested and consented to testing. Both of us were scared, but putting on a brave face for the other. Once C’s tests came back and I knew he would be okay, I felt a little better, but still worried as he was going to need some procedures to really be alright. On the other hand, C did not know how to cope with what had happened to him. He reacted emotionally and I reacted intellectually. We swapped roles this week!
I believe I had to react intellectually because it was the only way I was going to be able to continue being strong for C. I could not allow myself to even entertain the thought that C could die because he is the love of my life, the thought of him not being here is overwhelming pain and that is just the thought. All my hopes and dreams for our future have him by my side, sharing in our journey through this world. I went into researcher mode and gathered information. This information gave me a lot of peace of mind, but also reinforced some of my fears. I was trying to be emotional away from C so that he would not feel he had to support me while he was the one in crisis. Unfortunately, I believe this led C to believe on some level I did not care. He got scared and panicked. He did not take care of himself with proper nutrition, sleep, etc. After his emotional breakdown he was able to allow himself to gather information and to empower himself with the task of getting the medical care he needs.
The gift of this week beyond that C is still here with me is that my love and commitment to C is stronger than ever. The sex addiction is still something we will continue to deal with and it is still as painful as it was before, but if C had died this week that is not what I would have been thinking about. In the hospital, my thoughts were on all of the things that C does everyday that make my life better. How much he makes me laugh, how gentle and loving he is with me. The tender ways he shares and shows me his love. How he reaches for my hand and knows when to give them a reassuring squeeze. C had been trying to tell me he felt he had turned a corner with his sex addiction and I couldn't let myself believe it. I was afraid to believe it, because if it was not true then the pain would be that much more intense and my pain threshold has been maxed out. When I let God in this week, I was able to believe C.